NEWS ITEM: Kids get dumber over the summer. Studies show that the “summer slide” — the loss of knowledge during vacation — typically costs students a month’s worth of school-year learning.
That’s depressing, isn’t it? Kids leave school at the end of June spouting Proust and doing calculus in their heads, but by the beginning of September they’re watching Fox and slapping tariffs on Canadian steel imports.
In the interest of putting the brakes to the backslide, we at the Times Colonist would like to challenge young readers with a current-events quiz based on the news of the week.
1. Just like the city of Victoria, Somalia’s al-Shabaab extremist militia has banned single-use plastic bags in areas it controls. For real.
A) Death to America
B) Creation of a fundamentalist Islamic state
C) Bike lanes
2. The CRD hauls away all manner of weird stuff from its parks, but wasn’t quite sure what to make of this contraption (see photo), abandoned by the Galloping Goose trail near Glen Lake last week. Your reaction is:
A) Call the revenuers, that’s a moonshine still!
B) In Oak Bay, that would sell for $2.2 million.
C) Nice to see the Canadian Space Agency is back in the game.
3. Costs associated with Saanich’s tent city could wipe out the municipality’s $700,000 contingency fund, which is typically dedicated to items such as snow removal. Choose a response:
A) Don’t worry, it never snows in Saanich, except when it does, every single winter.
B) Operating a yet-to-be-built sanitary station might add another $250,000 to those costs. Must be using the Charmin Ultra Soft.
C) Ever watch Groundhog Day?
4. Cashing in on the legalization of marijuana, Hershey Canada will produce a candy bar called the Oh Henry! 4:25 “specially formulated for the intense hunger that hits five minutes after 4:20.” You say:
A) Just spit-balling here: Doritos 4:23
B) Pepto-Bismol 4:30
C) Legalization is Oct. 17. B.C.’s local elections are Oct. 20. This should be interesting.
5. The latest RBC housing affordability index says owning a typical Greater Victoria home now eats up 62.7 per cent of household income, way up from 48 per cent in 2015. You say:
A) Great! That leaves 57 per cent for weed and Oh Henry! 4:25 bars.
B) In Edmonton, owning a home only takes 28 per cent of income. Ha, ha, ha, those dumb Albertans, underpaying for their housing.
C) Think we’ve seen the last tent city?
6. Prior their loss to Belgium, Brazil’s best player/worst actor Neymar had already spent 14 minutes of the World Cup melodramatically rolling around on the turf in near-death agony. Your response is:
A) Not as good as Pele, but better than William Shatner.
B) Haven’t seen anyone so badly fake-wounded since Trump found out we have dairy farmers.
C) In Game 6 of the 1964 Stanley Cup final, Toronto’s Bobby Baun broke his leg, taped it up, scored the winning goal, then played Game 7, which the Leafs won. Nuff said.
7. After being knocked out of the World Cup, Japan’s team left its locker room spotless and the country’s fans picked up all the garbage in the stadium. Your reaction is:
A) I left more of a mess at the Cineplex Odeon than Japan left at the World Cup.
B) Japan must have a very good mother.
C) Bobby Baun would have done that on one leg.
8. The B.C. government just announced $221 million for 22,000 childcare spaces over three years. The most-appropriate response is:
A) Victoria: “What is a child?”
B) Saanich: “Do these children have snow shovels?”
C) Trump: “Wow, I only did 2,300.”
9. Philippine president Rodrigo Duterte says he will resign if anyone can prove God exists. The most-appropriate response is:
A) Athiests: “Good for him.”
B) England: “We just made the World Cup semi-final. How much proof do you need?”
C) God: “Hold my beer.”
10. Studies say parents should worry about their children losing knowledge in the ‘summer slide.’ The most-appropriate response is:
A) Parents: ‘Three hours a day of remedial trigonometry.’
B) Kids: ‘You go first.’
C) You: ‘No.’