ROTHENBURGER – Frootloops Mayor Jack Hammer sues for Christmas peace

FROOTLOOPS COUNCIL reluctantly gathers for its annual general Christmas meeting. Councillors aren’t sure what to expect as Mayor Jack Hammer takes his chair, flips on his tape recorder and pulls out his notebook.

MAYOR JACK HAMMER: OK, I guess we can call this meeting to order. Is that correct, Ms. Poinsettia?

COUN. BILL SHORTFUSE: Your Dictatorship, stop right there. You’ve got to quit disrespecting staff by mentioning their names when you talk to them.

MARIA POINSETTIA (corporate officer person and reader of readings): As I tell you every meeting, Your Dealership, it is indeed appropriate to call the meeting to order, although I should draw to your attention that you might have a conflict of interest just breathing.

MAYOR HAMMER: Thanks very much for that, I’m fine. Maybe the individual — without mentioning any names — who does the readings could give us the reading?

POINSETTIA: Yes, Your Gunship, that would be me. Today’s reading is by Jack Handrey, the author of Deep Thoughts. He wrote, “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”

MAYOR HAMMER: Well that fits in with my newest notice of motion — after consulting with my personal lawyer, I’ve decided I’m gonna sue. I see Coun. Grandstander has her hand up.

COUN. K. T. NEWSMAKER: It’s Newsmaker, not Grandstander, as I keep telling you, Your Battleship. My question is, what did I do now?

MAYOR HAMMER: No worries, I’m suing for peace. I just thought it would be appropriate for Christmas. I can’t see it doing any harm. It might even do quite a bit of good. But if you don’t like the idea, I’ll just drop it.

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Mel Rothenblather is a former mayor of Frootloops and former editor of the Frootloops Daily News. He has written about Frootloops since he can remember.