Rothenburger — Frootloops council adjourns for Christmas

COLUMN — It’s Christmas eve and, right on cue, a gentle snowfall covers Frootloops in a blanket of white. Frootloops councillors are anxious to get home to await the arrival of St. Nick, hoping to find nice pay raises in their stockings, but the mayor calls them together for some last-minute business.

MAYOR PETER WONDERBAR: I call the meeting to order. Before we begin, I’d like to welcome our new councillors, Watchdog and Doody. Howdy Watchdog, Howdy, Doody!

 COUN. DANNY DOODY: If I had a nickle for every time I heard that one.

WONDERBAR: Yeah, but I’ve always wanted to do that.

COUN. DENIS WATCHDOG: Thank you, Your Warship, I just want to assure you that even though Vision Frootloops now holds the balance of power on council, we won’t be using it to try to get our way, except when it comes to things like budget, major civic projects, social issues, economic development, roads and sewers, taxes, and the new seating arrangement at the council table. I think that about covers it.

WONDERBAR: Is there any new business?

BYRON McSNORKEL, Director of Fun and Winter Games: Your Worldliness, we have a letter from Mel McBurger, the new director for Area P, thanking us for sending Christmas cards to all the residents there.

WONDERBAR: That was a mistake. We got the postal codes wrong. Ask him to send them back.

COUN. MARG SPIRULINA: What’s an Area P?

COUN. KEN CHRISTMAS: Maybe we should annex them. Do they have any natural resources we could tax?

COUN. DONOVAN GREENBELT: On another subject, Your Whistlestop, I’d like to move we make the buses free for Christmas eve.

WONDERBAR: This comes up every year. It’s a waste of staff’s time. I don’t need another study or workshop or things like that to make up my mind.

GREENBELT: I didn’t say I wanted another study or workshop.

WONDERBAR: Doesn’t matter. Your motion is denied.

GREENBELT: In that case, can I catch a ride home with somebody? I’m out of spare change for bus fare and it’s tough peddling up Cabbage Street hill on my bike.

COUN. TINA TOAST: Your Wordliness, speaking of Cabbage Street, I’d like to keep the lefthand turn onto Second Avenue.

COUN. PAT WALLET: Your Washtub, I think this council is already taking a turn to the left. I don’t think Frootopians want to pay more taxes.

COUN. WATCHDOG: Which reminds me, Your Whatsup, what are we going to do about Stuart Dogwood school? We need to put about a gazillion dollars in the budget to fix it up so our little Frootlings have a place to go when they aren’t busy texting.

WONDERBAR: We can’t afford it. We’ve got to build a new Frootloops arts centre first, and anything we have left over after that is going toward buying new screens for the parking kiosks.

McSNORKEL: Does this mean I don’t get the new wallyball court?

COUN. ARJUN SINGSONG: Your Wordiness, I’m very interested in this discussion, and I think we should take action to talk about the possibilities for listening to what people have to say about it as we all move forward, then engage the community with a consultative process.

MAYOR WONDERBAR: How about instead we just all go home and think about it until the New Year. Meeting adjourned.

Merry Christmas to all from The Armchair Mayor News.