FIRST QUESTION for election candidates: Are you double-vaxxed?
Second question: If not, is that because A) you have a medical condition that precludes it, or B) you think 9/11 was an inside job?
Not that I’m against electing, er, alternative thinkers, of course. Canada’s longest-serving prime minister, William Lyon Mackenzie King, guided Canada through the Second World War with few knowing that he regularly communicated with his dead mother and long-buried dogs. Amor de Cosmos, B.C.’s second premier and the founder of this newspaper, was reportedly so afraid of electricity that he wouldn’t have it in his home and balked at riding streetcars.
It’s just that if politicians do harbour certain beliefs, it would be good to hear about them before the ballots get marked. It would be nice not only to know what makes candidates tick, but to be assured it’s not a timing device that’s going to go off post-election.
And no matter who’s running, it would be valuable to hear not just what they have to say about climate change, or COVID, or the cost of living, but to get a sense of them as people.
With that in mind, here are 10 questions to ask the candidates on your doorstep.
- Would you push for vaccine passports?
For travel? In the workplace? At school? Movies and restaurants? Christmas dinner?
- If you own a house, when did you buy it and how much did you pay?
That’ll rattle their doors.
- What’s the last book you read?
If they say Mein Kampf, shut the door. Ditto if they just give you a blank stare. I have a friend who weeds out potential dates by asking, “Do you have a library card?” No card, no date. Wise woman.
- What was your last meal?
If they say, “I’m on a plant-based diet,” reply, “Me, too! A meat-processing plant!” This leads to the next question….
- Do you have a sense of humour?
Trick question. Everybody thinks they have a sense of humour. They will say, “It’s not that I don’t have a sense of humour, but….”
- Do you like dogs?
More importantly, do dogs like the candidate? And does the candidate consult them after the dogs are dead?
- What music do you listen to?
You can tell a lot about somebody from their music. I don’t care if a candidate combines the best qualities of Angela Merkel, Winston Churchill and Mohandas K. Gandhi, I will not vote for anyone who tunes in to an easy-listening station. In England, a man was sentenced to 140 hours of community service after smacking a friend over the head with a guitar because the smackee kept playing the wrong chord in Peaceful Easy Feeling. I will whack you with a guitar for playing the right chord in Peaceful Easy Feeling.
Conversely, I was filled with an actual peaceful easy feeling after learning that Dr. Bonnie likes AC/DC.
- How tall are you?
This shouldn’t matter, but stats show it does. Apparently we like to look up to our leaders, literally. Studies show the taller U.S. presidential candidate usually wins, with five-foot-11 and a half Joe Biden — the first sub-six-footer since Jimmy Carter in 1976 — being the rare exception.
In Canada, every elected prime minister since Pierre Trudeau, who at five-foot-nine stood as tall as the average Canadian man of his time, has been six feet or more. Justin Trudeau is six-two.
As for female prime ministers, there’s no word on the average height of Kim Campbell. That’s a whole other conversation.
- Do you have a snappy slogan?
Ethically challenged Louisiana politician Edwin Edwards, whose 16 years in the governor’s office were followed by eight in prison, died last month. In 1991, when he ran against Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke, the bumper stickers read “Vote for the crook” and “Better the lizard than the wizard.” He won, proving that truth in advertising is a good thing.
With that in mind, consider the following vote-getters:
Liberals — “Never mind the scandals, our guy’s hotter than the August long weekend”
Conservatives — “Speaking of pale, male and stale, vote for the leader with the Jack Knox haircut”
NDP — “We’re outraged by snap elections, except in B.C., where they’re a great idea”
Greens — “We don’t trust our leader, so why should you?”
- Will you give me an honest answer when I ask for one?
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