ROTHENBURGER – Mayor Hammer calls a special meeting of Frootloops council

‘TIS THE NIGHT before Christmas, and all through City Hall, not a creature is stirring, especially not Mayor Jack Hammer, who isn’t allowed anywhere near the place. Instead, he’s called an emergency meeting at his car lot. There’s a lot of grumbling going on as councillors and staff gather in the winter’s chill.

MAYOR HAMMER: So I guess we could bring the meeting to order.

COUN. MARGOT MIDDLEROAD: Point of order, Your Dipship, I move we adjourn.

MAYOR HAMMER: Not quite yet; I’m talking.

COUN. NANCY BANJO: Point of order, Your Warship, uh, you aren’t on the agenda. If you’d been here for the last meeting, you’d know we moved the Mayor’s Report down to the bottom. You’re only allowed to speak after the rest of us stand up and walk out in protest.

COUN. STEPHEN FARTGATE: Point of order, Your Wordiness, in the spirit of Christmas I’d like to move we dock your pay another 10 per cent.

COUN. K.T. NEWSMAKER: Your Shiplap, there’s a senior citizen in a purple sweater trying to ask us something. It’s very disruptive. I suggest we call in the Frootcops to have her removed, and go behind closed doors for the rest of the meeting.

MAYOR HAMMER: Well, we don’t have any closed doors because we’re in a used-car lot. By the way, I have an excellent deal on a slightly torched SUV if anyone’s interested. Anyway, I think she’s just flapping her arms to keep warm.

COUN. DALE BRASS: That would make a good headline, Your Dictatorship, but as I like to say, it’s inaccurate, even if it’s accurate.

COUN. KELLY TOWNHALL: And weak-kneed, if I may say so.

MAYOR HAMMER: Yes, you may, and you usually do, though I’d appreciate it if you and Coun. Shortfuse would quit making snide remarks while I’m talking. I want to get something off my chest.

Groans and moans around the car-lot horseshoe greet this announcement.

COUN. SHORTFUSE: I apologize, Your Gunship, but could someone lend me their cellphone? I forgot to turn off the audio-recording app on mine and the battery’s gone dead.

MARIA POINSETTIA, corporate officer and reader of readings: Your Battleship, if you insist on having a meeting, I should read the reading, since, as you may recall, when councillors were moving to ban public input and shorten the meetings, they made a point of keeping the readings. So this week’s reading is from the great Albert Einstein: “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” Thus ends the reading.

MAYOR HAMMER: Mr. McChuckles, I can’t help but notice you were slouched down in your chair looking at your phone with your eyes closed during the reading. Were you overcome with the wisdom of Albert Whatsisname?

BYRON McCHUCKLES (Assistant Deputy Permanent Chief Frootloops Officer Pro Tem, stirring in his swivel chair): No, Your Chipdip, I was simply going over in my mind the excessive number of investigations we’ve got to find the money to pay for. On top of that, we’ve budgeted for a new basement — it’s more like a bunker, really — for the mayor’s office. There’s an artist’s conception of it up on the screen. I don’t know how we’re going to pay for it all; we’ve got to have a conversation about cutting somewhere and I think we should begin with cancelling the subscription to PornHub. It may be entertaining when council meetings get boring but we’ve got to draw the line somewhere or else Frootopians will get upset.

COUN. MIKE O’WRLY: Well, I have an idea, Your Washtub, why don’t we just put the whole thing to an AAP, abnormal approval process. Lots of cities are doing it. If people don’t vote, it’s the same as voting yes. If they have toast for breakfast, it’s the same as a yes vote. If they put on their pants one leg at a time, it’s a yes. If they live and breathe, it’s another yes. It’s a great system.

COUN. SHORTFUSE: I apologize, Your Flapjack, but I disagree with Coun. O’Wrly. Asking Frootopians what they think about anything will take up too much of our valuable time.

COUN. BANJO: Uh, excuse me, Your Dictatorship. Thanks. What about my skating rink? Frootopians desperately need something to take their minds off all the things that have gone wrong lately.

MAYOR HAMMER: Which is an excellent segue into my Mayor’s Report and the purpose of this meeting. I’ve been getting letters and phone calls and affidavits from people saying we’ve got to do something for the holiday season. That’s why I propose we wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I don’t suppose anyone would like to second that?

COUN. FARTGATE: Surely you’re joking!

COUN. NEWSMAKER: Outrageous! A violation of personal boundaries!

COUN. BRASS: Concentration camp!

COUN. SHORTFUSE: That sounds like a snaky idea to me! But I apologize, of course!

COUN. TOWNHALL: I believe that would be against the Frootloops Community Charter, our procedural bylaw, our Code of Conduct, and all things we hold dear.

POINSETTIA: Actually, Your Hardship, it would be perfectly legal. Mr. McChuckles and I agree it might even be a good idea.

MAYOR HAMMER: OK, all together then:

COUNCILLORS ONE AND ALL: Merry Christmas!

COUN. SHORTFUSE: I apologize!

Mel Rothenbabble is a former mayor, school board chair and regional district director, and a retired daily newspaper editor.