GOOD MORNING, class. Today, we’ll focus on current events.
Please write brief essays, based on the past week’s news.
• After three weeks of nailbiting tension, Andrew Weaver and the Greens chose John Horgan and the NDP over Christy Clark and the B.C. Liberals. Your reaction is:
A) Best episode of House Of Cards ever. Clark should admit defeat, bow out gracefully.
B) Worst episode of The Bachelor ever. Clark should cling to power like it’s the last chopper out of ’Nam.
C) I’m one of the 39 per cent who didn’t vote. Who cares?
D) For dramatic effect, Weaver should have torn open an envelope to reveal the winner: “La La Land!”
• This week, Victoria Police received a complaint of a drunken woman refusing to leave the stage at a Gorge Road karaoke bar. Your first thought is:
A) Sounds like my kind of gal. I might be in love.
B) Sounds like my mom. If VicPD calls, don’t answer.
C) Christy Clark actually came to Victoria?
D) “Next up: John Horgan and Andrew Weaver, performing Why Can’t We Be Friends.”
• Tiger Woods was arrested for an impaired-driving offence that involved prescription drugs, not alcohol. Your response is:
A) Drugs or booze, impaired is impaired.
B) Good thing he didn’t kill anyone, and let’s hope he gets better.
C) If all booking photos were made public, no one would drive gooned.
D) Tiger’s DUI video did better box office than the new Baywatch movie.
• Donald Trump set the Internet alight by posting an unfinished tweet ending in the word “covfefe.” Your reaction is:
A) For a guy who doesn’t drink, Trump does a lot of late-night drunk-texting.
B) Did he have supper at Tiger’s house?
C) Please don’t drunk-tweet the launch codes.
D) Trump pulls the U.S. out of the climate accord, and people are worried about covfefe?
• Donald Trump out-Trumped himself by pulling the U.S. out of the Paris climate accord. Critics note the only other country on his side is Syria, led by genocidal despot Bashar al-Assad. What happens next?
A) Assad demands an apology for being lumped in with Trump.
B) Mexico announces it will build a wall, make the U.S. pay for it.
C) Paris, check. Obamacare, check. Still on to-do list: abolish votes for women, restore slavery, put chlorofluorocarbons back in hairspray, reintroduce smoking in the workplace.
D) The climate changes. Polar ice caps melt. Crops fail. Nightly weather forecasts read like the Old Testament: Hurricanes, drought, floods, famine, plagues of locusts. Overheated Earth explodes like a popcorn kernel. Trump blames Obama.
• After emerging unscathed from being zapped by lightning on Tuesday, Victoria’s Sean Ramsay discovers his mother once survived a bolt from the blue, too. You ask:
A) Do they play the lotto?
B) Does surviving a lightning strike count as lucky or unlucky?
C) What does Uncle Lee Trevino have to say?
D) How you feeling, Sean? “A little Thor …”
• Newly elected federal Conservative leader Andrew Scheer is married to the sister of Seattle Seahawks punter Jon Ryan, who is married to comedian Sarah Colonna. First thing that leaps to mind is:
A) Andrew Who?
B) This makes them the most famous family in Saskatchewan (non-curling division).
C) Who needs Camelot when you’ve got Qu’appelle?
D) Seahawks should have given the ball to Lynch.
• Which of these counts as the most-Canadian story of the week?
A) A Newfoundland moose ate a Canada 150th tulip display in St. John’s.
B) Southwest Saskatchewan endured a nine-hour blackout after a beaver chewed through and toppled a power pole.
C) Saanich police rescued ducklings from the Pat Bay Highway on Friday. This came days after an Oak Bay firefighter went down a storm drain to save some other ducklings.
D) Given the CRD’s $725-a-bird goose cull, please don’t do this with goslings.