Holy holidays, Frootloops council meets again!

Mayor Peter Milkbar finds a whoopie cusion on his chair in Frootloops council chambers. He is not amused.

MAYOR MILKBAR:  Was that you,Coun. O’Fiddle? There’s nothing funny about my colonoscopy, not when it’s at the hands of the Inferior Health Authority. We don’t have time for your practical jokes today; we’ve got to make out our Christmas card list.

COUN. TINA TOAST: Brilliant, Your Rambleship!

MAYOR MILKBAR: People don’t seem to send cards the way they used to, but we’ve received a couple of nice ones. One is from our MP, Cathy Who of Whoville, with a picture of the prime minister singing All I Want For Christmas is a Majority. And there’s another from Kim Smokestack of Aboriginal Coagulation Corp. That one is kind of nice — it shows Santa heading north with a sleigh full of railway ties.

RANDY DOODLE, CAO: Your Nasalness, Coun. Watchdog hasn’t yet arrived in chambers.

COUN. PAT WARHORSE: Doesn’t matter, nobody ever seconds any of his motions anyway.

COUN. JIM HYDRANT: Hear, hear! I second that.

COUN. WATCHDOG: Sorry, Your Mumbleship, I was down checking out the excavations at the new parkade. The T’ootloops band office says it might be an ancient burial ground and wants all plans for the parkade put on hold.

MAYOR MILKBAR: Tell them to join the club.

COUN. TOAST: Brilliant idea, your Grumbleship, brilliant!

COUN. JOHN DeCAPPUCCINO: People come into the shop they say, “John, why is there a dead Christmas tree in front of City Hall?” I say, “I dunno, I’ll find out.”

DAVE TRAWLER, Frootloops Engineer: I have an answer to that, Your Warship. Our regulations clearly state that free-standing structures must be beige in color, so we brought in a pine-beetle tree that fills the bill nicely.

COUN. DeCAPPUCCINO: But even the decorations are brown.

TRAWLER: That’s because our bylaws state that “trim elements may be in primary colours.” We define brown and grey as primary colours.

COUN. TOAST: Brilliant!

COUN. MADGE SPIRULINA: Your Warthog, on the subject of Christmas cards, I received a complaint from a skateboard mom that our bylaws department sent her a card wishing her “Best of the season and we’ll get you next time!” I’m not sure that’s in keeping with the positive group-hug approach we’re aiming for.

BRIAN HASSLE, City Bylaws: I only sent her that card because she told me to ‘go stick it in a snowbank.’ We’re tired of playing Mr. Nice Guy with the enemy. We’re gonna hit ‘em where it hurts; we’ll fight ‘em in the trenches —“

MAYOR MILKBAR: Would somebody please remove bylaws officer Hassle? He’s foaming at the mouth again.

COUN. NANCY NETTLE: I received a request from a fellow named Bill Hardwood, who wants to put signs on all our Frootloops buses that say, “There probably is no City council, so stop worrying.” Is that something we would entertain, Your Washtub?

MAYOR MILKBAR: Well, we put up that “Trust In City Council” billboard so I guess we have to allow the other one. But time is marching on and we still haven’t approved our Christmas card list. It’s probably too late anyway, since Christmas is the day after tomorrow. What say we go with Plan B and get Byron McSnorkle to put an appropriate Christmas message on that humongous electronic sign we installed at the Fun and Games Capital Centre?

The one that blinds everybody who drives by? We could do something like, “Merry Christmas — Thou shalt not take the name of Frootloops Council in vain.”

COUN. WATCHDOG: Excuse me, Your Grouchiness, but I don’t believe we’ve ever discussed a Plan B.

MILKBAR: Actually, I wasted quite a bit of time doing a study on that, and found we’ve had five meetings on the subject and you were there every time. Plan B it is, then! Meeting adjourned!

COUN. TOAST: Brilliant!