For publication in The Kamloops Daily News, Saturday, Sept. 6, 2008
Peter Milobar awoke in a cold sweat, muttering, “No, no, let me out, let out!”
Mrs. Milobar shook him gently, re-assuring him, “It’s alright, Dear. You’re just having another one of your nightmares.”
“Thank goodness,” Milobar said, rubbing his eyes as the shaking subsided. “This was one of the worst yet. I dreamed I was elected mayor.”
“What’s wrong with that?” she asked. “You’ve always wanted to be mayor.”
“But I was chairing a City council meeting. . . .”
MAYOR MILOBAR: OK, I now call this meeting of the new City council of Kamloops to order. Our main order of business is to make sure we maintain the status quo and not screw things up. The second order of business is to introduce ourselves to each other, since most of us are new at this. Mr. Kennedy, I thought you were going to run for mayor.
COUN. KENNEDY: I changed my mind. First, I decided that Kamloops really needed somebody with the guts to run for council. Then, of course, I decided Kamloops needed somebody with the guts to run for mayor. Then I decided. . . .
MAYOR MILOBAR: Coun. Moats, anything to add?
COUN. MOATS: Nope, whatever he says. I can issue a press release on that if you like.
COUN. TERLESKY: It’s a damn good thing I decided to come back and save Kamloops from the godless people — you know who I’m talking about — who are conspiring to take over the city from us regular, normal, God-fearing citizens who have no intention of parading naked through the streets.
MAYOR MILOBAR: Well, actually, nobody’s ever paraded naked through the streets of Kamloops, though the nudist club does like to party at the Tournament Capital Centre every once in awhile.
COUN. TERLESKY: Well, it’s only a matter of time before they do! And I’m here to —
COUN. BEPPLE: Mr. Mayor, I’d like to thank all the little people who voted for me in the election.
MAYOR MILOBAR: I’m sorry, I hear a voice but I don’t see anyone. Could you please stand when you speak?
COUN. BEPPLE: I am standing, Mr. Mayor. I’m standing up for the little people.
COUN. MILLERSHIP: Mr. Mayor, I see on the agenda that you’re planning an orientation seminar so we newbies can figure out how to do our jobs. I don’t think that’s necessary. We obviously know how to do the job a lot better than that old bunch, or we wouldn’t have run in the first place.
COUN. SINGH: Well, Your Worship, as the only incumbent councillor who was re-elected, I can tell you, without any hestiation, that after three years I definitely don’t know what I’m doing. . . . Excuse me, incoming text message from former councillor O’Fee. I better take this.
COUN. SKREPNEK: I just want everyone to know, Your #%$^&*)%!, I am the baddest, best-looking councillor ever elected. I know #$$%&@* well I can get something positive accomplished. And if they don’t like it, they can go to #$$%@^&! By the way, I’m starting a new blog this week. I call it $#$%@&^^!
MAYOR MILOBAR: I see someone is missing. There appears to be a teleconference phone on that desk instead of a person. Can someone enlighten us?
COUN. ALEXANDER: No need to, you idiot. This is Coun. Brian Alexander on the %$#@*^ speaker phone. They won’t let me anywhere near City Hall so I’ll be attending all my meetings by phone, or maybe I could just text in my no votes, since I’ll be voting no on everything you morons propose, especially that guy Byron McDorkle from Parks and Rec.
MAYOR MILOBAR: Alrighty, then, we’re off to a good start.
COUN. MILLERSHIP: I just want it on record that former Coun. Peter Sharp laid a hand on me as I was coming up the front steps. Well, maybe not laid a hand, but maybe brushed me, at least. Well, maybe not brushed me, but he didn’t smile.
MAYOR MILOBAR: We’ll keep that in mind. Now, remember, we don’t want any screwups with this council. Agreed?
COUN. ALEXANDER: Are you kidding? Is this another conspiracy by you and those nincompoop staffers to do us out of our democratic right to be rude and abusive?
COUN. SKREPNEK: Just hold on, there. Can we not just all get along? I am offering up my track record of quiet diplomacy to help this council get along. And that’s the @#$%^& truth!
RANDY DIEHL, Chief Administrative Officer: Excuse me, Mr. Mayor, we’ve received a phone message from a Gary Johnson, who sends his best wishes to what he calls the Dream Team. He says he’s dreamed about this for years. What shall I tell him?
Milobar lay there, trembling again. “You see what I mean?”
“Now you’ve even got me worried,” said Mrs. Milobar. “But remember your motto, ‘a balanced approach.’ Now go take a cold shower — you know that kind of a nightmare never comes true.”
“You’re right, it doesn’t,” said Milobar. “Does it?”