ROTHENBURGER – Jack Hammer, the Real Mayor of Frootloops, tries to get into the picture

Council struggles with the rising costs of its new ballroom, new rules for the public about saluting at meetings

MAYOR JACK HAMMER  has called Frootloops councillors together for their annual Christmas photo. They take to their swivel chairs, distractedly buzzing to each other as he attempts to bring them to order.

MAYOR HAMMER: Excuse me, could everyone pay attention? Coun. Small, is something funny?

COUN. KELLY SMALL: Sorry, Your Dipship, my Small self was showing. Get it? It’s just that everything you say cracks me up. Or maybe it was that sound coming from your direction.

MAYOR HAMMER: Or maybe the whoopee cushion somebody put on my chair would explain that. Coun. Tapegate, why are you squirming?

COUN. BILL TAPEGATE: I’m not squirming, Your Gunship, I’m just trying to figure out how to turn on my new tape recorder.

MAYOR HAMMER: Your trouble is you don’t listen. Anyway, is everybody ready to have our photo taken?

COUN. MIDDLEGROUND: Er, actually, we’ve already taken the photo, Your Warthog. We prefer it when it’s just the rest of us, so we replaced you with a Christmas tree. Besides which, you know full well we passed a motion in camera, while you were at a lacrosse game, banning you from being seen or heard.

MAYOR HAMMER: Is that so? I guess you’re forgetting that my initials are RJH — the Real Jack Hammer. Anyway, as long as we’re here, we may as well have a meeting. Mr. McCudgell, is there any business to conduct?

CFO (Chief Frootloops Officer) McCUDGELL (opens his eyes and sits up straight): Well, one thing we should do, Your Bullship, is to finalize the new rules for Frootopians trying to attend our meetings. We’ve got a good start with the title, “Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here,” but staff would appreciate some clarity on the various clauses.

MAYOR HAMMER: Coun. Grandstander, you wish to speak?

COUN. K.T. NEWSMAKER: It’s Newsmaker, Your Bullship, and you know it. If you don’t mind me jumping in before you start crossing boundaries, I’ve got a concern about the clause that says the public gallery must stand up when we enter the room. I’d like to amend that to, “must stand and salute.”

COUN. DALE BRASS: I prefer, “bow down.”

COUN. STEVE FARTJOKE: I agree but I’d also like some clarity on the ban on cellphones, laptops, cameras and recording devices. Shouldn’t we include pens and pencils? You never know when some Frootopian will take notes and quote them back to us at an inopportune time.

COUN. TAPEGATE: None of this applies to those of us sitting around the horseshoe, does it?

COUN. MIKE O’UPSPEAK: That goes without saying? Mr. Mayor, I might consider supporting some changes but, then again, it depends on whether you promise to behave yourself during the meetings and make sure the public gallery doesn’t get rowdy? By the way, did I mention it’s an election year and I’m running for your job?

MAYOR HAMMER: I’d hardly noticed, but I’d like to see the tapes of any meetings when I —

COUN. NANCY HAGGLE: Point of order, Your DipShip! Uh, thanks. I’d just like to mention that we haven’t had the reading yet.

MARIA POINSETTIA (corporate officer and reader of readings): If you don’t mind, Your Sheepdip, according to the Community Charter I can do that now. Today’s reading is from the late mayor Flyin’ Phil Gaglardi, who said, “I never tell a lie unless I think I’m telling the truth.” Thus ends the reading.

COUN. SMALL: Your Frootcake, I have a report from the Build Frootloops Committee. It appears we’re way over budget on our plan to build a new ballroom attached to City Hall. It’s kind of gotten away from us and we have to remove the mayor’s office from the basement and close down the homeless drop-in centre across the street to make room. It’ll cost a bundle.

CFO McCUDGELL: We’ve got it covered, Your Battleship. We spend all our reserve funds, raise taxes and then use the AAP — Abnormal Approval Process — if need be. You’ll have to decide if you want to tell people about it, though. Some folks don’t seem to like it much.

MAYOR HAMMER: This meeting has gone on too long. I have a notice of motion on the table to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.

COUN. BRASS: I move we amend the motion to state, a “VERY Merry Christmas.”

MAYOR HAMMER: There you go again, gutting my motions with amendments. If you’re going to change my motion I’m going to vote against it.

COUN. NEWSMAKER: Well I second the amendment. All in favour of the amended motion?

EVERYONE: A Very Merry Christmas to all!

MAYOR HAMMER: Opposed! I’m opposed! Where is everyone going? Who turned off the microphones? Hello? To hell with it — Merry Christmas.

Mel Rothenblather is a former mayor of Frootloops and former editor of the Frootloops Daily News. He has written about Frootloops since he can remember.