GOOD MORNING, CLASS. As the school year ends, please note that studies warn the “summer slide” — that is, the loss of knowledge during vacation — typically costs students a month’s worth of education.
Kids leave school at the end of June spouting Shakespeare and doing trigonometry without a calculator, but by the end of August they’re ranting about “sheeple” and claiming the vaccine makes spoons stick to their heads.
In the interest of putting the brakes to the backslide, here’s one last current-events quiz before you clear out your lockers.*
- We are in a heat wave. At some point today, someone will turn and say “Hot enough for you?” The proper response is:
- A) A baleful glare
- B) “Hotter than the $40 bicycle you bought downtown”
- C) “Not as hot as your mom”
- D) “At least we don’t have to shovel it”
- On Tuesday, a $35-million Lotto Max prize was won in Kamloops, where the temperature will reach 46 C (no, that’s not a typo) this week. The winner’s first purchase will be:
- A) a house with air conditioning
- B) a mansion with a pool
- C) waterfront on Shuswap Lake
- D) a plane ticket to Victoria, where we put out extreme-weather alerts when it dips below 8 or tops 19.
- By the peak of the heat wave, the last remaining cold drink in your fridge will be:
- A) a 20-year-old bottle of Orbitz, the stuff with the floating balls in it.
- B) a 30-year-old can of New Coke
- C) a 50-year-old stubby of Uncle Ben’s Malt Liquor
- D) the cause of a wrestling match on the kitchen floor
- Victoria gas prices hit a record $1.63 a litre this week. Your latest fill-up cost you:
- A) $60
- B) $75
- C) a tense negotiation at the gas station cash register (final deal: 20 per cent down, 14 per cent interest, easy monthly payments on approved credit)
- D) any chance of driving past Duncan for your summer holidays
- To persuade Albertans to get vaccinated, that province has launched a lottery in which those who receive jabs are eligible to win Calgary Stampede passes, airline tickets or a $1-million payout. Your reaction is:
- A) Shouldn’t the real prize be not dying of COVID?
- B) To clarify: There are people who are so scared of the vaccine that they’re willing to risk infecting your mother, but not so scared that they’ll pass up a shot (as it were) at free tickets to the chuckwagon races. Nice.
- C) Alberta dream prize: $1 million. Victoria dream prize: a tank of gas.
- D) Bet you never thought “I’ve had my second dose” is something you would be eager to tell people.
- A bottle of Macallan No. 6 scotch valued at $4,600 was stolen from an Oak Bay liquor store last week. The appropriate response to this news is:
- A) The real crime is he drank it with ice.
- B) Makes us feel better about $1.63 gasoline.
- C) As Twitter user Donald Cyr put it: “Could have been the most Oak Bayey theft ever had a bottle of sherry been stolen instead.”
- D) Oak Bay robbers don’t have getaway drivers. They have chauffeurs.
- A Metchosin home just sold for $12 million, a Greater Victoria record. If you met the new owners, would you say:
- A) “$12 million? Hope you got the washer and dryer.”
- B) “Sure glad B.C.’s foreign-buyer’s tax cooled off the housing market.”
- C) “Sure glad B.C.’s speculation tax cooled off the housing market.”
- D) “We were going to buy you a bottle of Macallan No. 6 as a housewarming gift, but they were out. Please accept this case of Lucky instead.”
- Rank the signs that pandemic restrictions are easing:
- A) Swoop Airlines just began direct Toronto-Victoria service and revealed plans for flights from Victoria to Las Vegas and Puerto Vallarta
- B) Suddenly-busy B.C. Ferries is introducing online reservations for foot passengers
- C) You hear the word “camping” and don’t automatically think of Beacon Hill Park
- D) Jubilant Montreal Canadiens fans held a mini-riot this week, just like in the old days. The Earth is healing.
- Bonus question: A new graphic released by the Public Health Agency of Canada shows Canadians need not wear masks or socially distance indoors with small groups of fully vaccinated people except maybe if they’re only partially vaccinated they should ask the vaccinated people first and maybe they should also wear a mask outside if they can’t stay apart from people who are unvaccinated and even if you’re fully vaccinated you should keep the windows open if you’re inside with people from multiple families who are unvaccinated, partially vaccinated or their vaccinations status is known and…. If you can keep all that straight, don’t worry about the backsliding.
*Don’t forget the tuna sandwich.