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KNOX – Still undecided? Here’s a go-to guide for how to vote on May 9

STILL NOT SURE how to vote? To find where you fit on the political spectrum, try answering the questions in Jack’s Vote Compass. You’re welcome.

Declaring that Canada has been “very rough on the United States,” Donald Trump has slapped us with softwood lumber penalties and attacked our dairy farmers. Your reaction is:

A) Quick, someone sing Soft Kitty to soothe President Snowflake.

B) Smuggling B.C. Bud out, smuggling B.C. lumber in. Pssst, ‘Merica, wanna buy a barge of untaxed Gold River Gold?

C) In related news, Vladimir Putin thinks Ukraine was “very rough” on Russia.

D) Mr. President, meet Canada’s new ambassador, Dave Semenko.

Donald Trump complained that being president is a lot more work than he expected. Your reaction is:

A) Quick, someone sing Soft Kitty to soothe President Snowflake.

B) Maybe he should get a job in a B.C. sawmill. Won’t have to worry about too much work there.

C) Air Force One out, United Airlines in.

D) Trump has spent 25 of his first 100 days in office at his Mar-a-Lago golf resort in Florida. What has he been working on, his backswing?

Retailer Nordstrom is charging $425 US ($6,300 Canadian) for a pair of jeans heavily smeared in fake dirt. The permanently caked-on filth is meant to leave the impression that the wearer is a hard-working sort who is “not afraid to get down and dirty.”

A) What are the chances of Christy Clark buying a pair to go with that hard hat and safety vest?

B) Is she going to wear that hard hat to work after the election?

C) Why doesn’t her hard hat read Make B.C. Great Again?

D) We get it, she’s trying to tell us this election is about jobs.

Bonus question: Anybody have one of those aunts who can’t talk to you unless she has your arm in a vise-like grip? Anyone want to set her loose on John Horgan, see what happens?

Bonus question: Andrew Weaver got in a prickly Twitter spat with a Victoria school teacher this week. Is your clingy aunt on social media?

Kevin O’Leary comes to Victoria and almost immediately drops out of the Conservative leadership race. Your reaction is:

A) We broke his spirit.

B) There’s a Conservative leadership race?

C) What’s Bill O’Reilly up to these days?

D) Hot rumour: Some high-roller investor just bought all 443 of Victoria’s pot shops.

Site C is:

A) Necessary to secure a long-term power supply

B) A waste of money and an environmental abomination.

C) Somewhere between Costco and the North Pole. You think.

D) Something tourists like to do.

Having read story after story on B.C.’s shortage of family physicians, you have resorted to self-diagnosis via the Internet. You are now convinced you have:

A) The bubonic plague.

B) Crimean-Congo hemorrhagic fever.

C) Election fatigue.

D) Morning sickness, though you are not sure how to break it to the other guys.

That’s it. If you’re still uncertain of how to vote, the answer is “yes.”

© Copyright Times Colonist
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About Mel Rothenburger (5002 Articles)
ArmchairMayor.ca is a forum about Kamloops and the world. It has more than one million views. Mel Rothenburger is the former Editor of The Daily News in Kamloops, B.C. (retiring in 2012), and past mayor of Kamloops (1999-2005). At ArmchairMayor.ca he is the publisher, editor, news editor, city editor, reporter, webmaster, and just about anything else you can think of. He is grateful for the contributions of several local columnists. This blog doesn't require a subscription but gratefully accepts donations to help defray costs.

2 Comments on KNOX – Still undecided? Here’s a go-to guide for how to vote on May 9

  1. another waste of words

  2. Pat Wallace // May 7, 2017 at 10:37 AM // Reply

    I read your columns because of your humour-this isn’t funny it’s just plain mean!

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