ARMCHAIR ARCHIVES – Aw shucks, America, no need to keep thanking us

The following column was first published Feb. 27, 1980 in the Kamloops News.

JUST MAYBE, now that Pierre Trudeau is back in power, we can normalize relations with the States. In the wake of the Iran rescue, an unhealthy and totally unCanadian friendliness toward the U.S. swept the country.

Canadians tend to react in kind, and when Americans gushed all over us for saving six of their diplomats from the clutches of the Ayatolla, we blushed becomingly and allowed as to how we really liked them, too, and think nothing of it.

But this love affair is getting just a little bit nauseating. “Thank-you Canada” signs sprung up on U.S. billboards. Towns began holding Salute to Canada Days. Editorial writers fell all over themselves telling us how wonderful we are. In one American city, Canadians can stay in any hotel or motel they want free of charge.

Now, some guy wants to donate some paperweights to the Royal Ontario Museum. Paul Stankard, “one of America’s leading glass artists,” has offered three floral paperweights, one of them featuring “a native Canadian plant and a cluster of Blackberries and blossoms.” His was of thanking us.

Look, fell, it was alright, really. Much as we need some more paperweights up here, and genuinely appreciate the offer, we just couldn’t. Maybe the Smithsonian would like them.

Jimmy (Carter) always has been the maudlin type, ever since he admitted that he sometimes lusts after women other than the one to whom he is wed. Joe (Clark) was somewhat the same way, maudlin-wise that is.

But Pierre? A shrug, a pirouette, a few choice words, and we’re back to normal.

***

We all get junk mail from time to time. That’s the stuff that comes in four colors, with your name typed in on a form letter information you you’ve been “selected” to “participate in an exciting new education program” (encyclopedia) or to “try out new product absolutely without obligation” (but they’ll send you the dam things every month anyway, and keep billing you no matter how many times you cancel).

Junk mail is big business in the United States and Canada. A mailing pushing Psychology Today magazine recently put the following poser on the envelope: “Do you close the bathroom door even when you’re the only one home?”

That’s part of the knack, you see, to get you interested with a quiz, to get you involved by tearing out a sticker and putting it in the right place, by sending you a pretend cheque made out in your name which can become the real thing if you win “our gigantic sweepstakes.”

You expect it from strangers, and you file it all in the appropriate place. But it hurts to get it from friends.

Despite the fact it never, ever arrives on time (long after it’s been on the newsstands), I have for years patriotically subscribed to Maclean’s.

Recently a “confidential” document arrived from Maclean’s.

“The tax bit… the energy crunch… language rights and social wrongs,” it began. “These issues and more will affect you and your family here in Kamloops and Canada at large as we enter the unpredictable 1980’s.

Maclean’s would like your help in assessing the mood of the nation, Mr. Rothenburge (not spelling). For this reason, I have enclosed a Critical Canadian Issues Survey for you to complete in absolute confidence.”

I waited for the punchline, which came quickly.

“Your opinion on the genuine issues of the day and the Canadian future will be tabulated and analyzed by experts to keep us in touch with public opinion.

“To receive Maclean’s will, in turn keep you in touch with events that influence your personal, social and business life.

“This is particularly true now that you can subscribe to Maclean’s and save up to $40.05 off the newsstand price – and also receive Maclean’s 1980 Commemorative Calendar Album, at no extra cost!”

Oh, joy, how luck to be selected as a ”valued subscriber.”

Several paragraphs of selling job later, the writer adds as an after though, “speaking of politics, please send back your answers to our… survey.”

No harm in checking out the survey. Some “critical” issues here, indeed.

“Do you think Canada is doing enough to protect the environment?”

A real toughie. Can you imagine a politician answer that questions with, “hell, yes, we’ve been doing too much already?”

“Do you favor free trade with the United States?”

No, I think they should have to pay for it.

And the most difficult one of all, Number 22: “Please indicate your province of residence.”

A critical issue if there ever was one.

I am currently reassessing my subscription.

***

Few people probably realize that the Returning Office for the federal election was located in the former premises of the All About Love Shop, that marital arts place that went belly up a few months ago. Whether or not the election cured our country’s impotence remains to be seen.

***

Dan Donnelly, the Kamloops resident who wants to be leader of the B.C. Progressive Conservatives, isn’t totally ignorant of the realities of politics.

Donnelly almost ran in the provincial election last May 10 as a Tory candidate in Burnaby-Willingdon. Then he found out that more than 70per cent of the people who signed his nomination papers were NDPers, so he withdrew.

***

Well, my application for the editorship of the newsletter of the B.C. Wildlife Federation, that organization of happy animal killers, has been rejected. “The position has been filled,” they tell me in a terse reply.

Some people have no sense of humor.

Mel Rothenburger has been writing about Kamloops since 1970. He is a former mayor of Kamloops, former school board chair, former editor of The Kamloops Daily News, and a former director on the Thompson-Nicola Regional District board. He was awarded the Jack Webster Foundation’s lifetime achievement award in 2011 and was a 2019 Commentator of the Year finalist in the Webster Awards. Contact him at mrothenburger@armchairmayor.ca.