KNOX — A quick quiz, from brawls to beards

COLUMN — Good morning, class. With the end of the school year in sight, it’s time for one last current events quiz, based on this week’s news stories.

A dispute over seating turned into a full-scale brawl among parents at a Las Vegas high school graduation ceremony. Which of the following statements is most true?

A) A good parent leads by example, or, failing that, with a left jab.

B) Forget Pacquiao and Mayweather. Finally, a Vegas fight worth watching.

C) This was Nevada. Where were their guns?

D) What happens in Vegas stays on YouTube.

ParticipAction says overprotective schools are endangering children’s health by discouraging vigorous outdoor exercise in the name of “safe play.” Some have banned ball games and “chasing games” such as tag during lunch and recess.

Which of these games is acceptable to the Play Police?

A) Velcro the tail on the donkey

B) Football* (*Madden NFL computer version only)

C) I spy with my little eye* (*safety goggles mandatory)

D) Popping the bubble-wrap that students wear as school uniforms

A new report says the Vancouver board of education could save up to $37 million a year by closing 19 schools. Choose a response:

A) B.C. has almost 2,000 schools. Close them all and taxpayers would save $5.4 billion.

B) Vancouver schools have 9,000 empty seats. B.C. Lions games average 25,000 of them. Why not hold classes in B.C. Place?

C) B.C. Place’s new roof cost $512 million. How many schools could that keep open?

D) Who can afford to have kids in Vancouver?

The man in charge of the capital region’s mythical sewage-treatment project earned $297,000 last year. Which similar job would you most like to hold?

A) Maytag repairman

B) Vatican daycare supervisor

C) Tehran bartender

D) Elizabeth May’s Toastmasters coach

Premier Christy Clark has backed off a plan to close Vancouver’s Burrard Bridge to traffic for seven hours for a mass-participation International Day of Yoga event. Doing so would have cost taxpayers $150,000. What other transportation-corridor disruptions were considered?

A) Shutting Oak Bay Avenue for an hour of seniors’ line dancing

B) Closing the McTavish Crop Circles/Interchange for equestrian dressage

C) Blocking off Metchosin Road for the Running of the Sheep

D) Tying up the ferries for Vancouver Island Should Elect More Liberals Week

Victoria, Saanich and Oak Bay have identified eight potential sewage-treatment sites that enjoy public support. Their preferred choice is:

A) Not in my backyard

B) Not in my backyard

C) Not in my backyard

D) Esquimalt

The Supreme Court of Canada, ruling on a Victoria case, has struck down the ban on using medical marijuana in cookies, tea, ointments and other derivatives. Your reaction is:

A) Always nice to see the Island’s stoner stereotype confirmed.

B) So the brownies lead to the munchies, which lead to the brownies, which lead to the munchies, which…

C) High court, indeed.

D) Just legalize it already.

The chairman of NBC Sports says it would be easier to market the NHL’s stars if they broke tradition and shaved off their Stanley Cup beards. You say:

A) Hockey stars? We thought they were hipster baristas.

B) Attention Thomas Mulcair.

C) The Stanley Cup used to be decided in Montreal in April. Now it’s Tampa Bay in mid-June. The problem ain’t the beards.

D) Shouldn’t hockey season end before school does?

Vincent Musetto, the copy editor who wrote the New York Post’s legendary Headless Body In Topless Bar headline, has died. What is the best headline to ever appear in the Times Colonist?

A) After a storm cancelled air and ferry travel: Mainland Cut Off From Civilization

B) After the census results came out: Many Are Colwood But Few Metchosin

C) After a court freed the guy who broke into Guess Who singer Burton Cummings’ Saanich home: He Got, Got, Got, Got No Time

D) Wish we were making this up: Woman Who Beat Off Cougar Hailed As Hero

Authorities are warning of “significant water supply shortages” on Vancouver Island this year. The most obvious signs of drought in Victoria are:

A) Urban deer out, urban camels in.

B) Beacon Hill campers move tents to water park.

C) Hanging baskets replaced with buckets.

D) Topiary whale outside Empress replaced with iguana made of cacti.

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