DR. ROMANCE — Bad news, you forgot Valentine’s Day, again

Jack Knox is romantic Kamloops boy who writes in Victoria for the Times-Colonist.

COLUMN — Boys, I have bad news: It’s Valentine’s Day. It’s Valentine’s and you forgot, again, just like you forgot her birthday, your anniversary and, well, Christmas.

It’s too late for breakfast in bed. Way too late for breakfast in Hawaii. You could rush out and buy a card that reads, “Forever yours,” but last time you did that she had you charged with uttering a threat.

When you asked, “Where do you want to be in five years?” she replied, “On my honeymoon with Ryan Reynolds.”

Never mind. Once again, relationship expert Dr. Romance is here to save the day, curing heartache and writing prescriptions for love.

DEAR DR. ROMANCE

I just came home to find the house in darkness save for the light of a few candles, in front of which she sprawled seductively. What should I do?

Confused in Colwood

DEAR CONFUSED

Use your smartphone to check B.C. Hydro’s online map. If the outage hasn’t been reported, call 1-888-POWERON.

DEAR DR. ROMANCE

She came back from the salon and asked: “Notice anything different about me?” So, I said: “Well, you’ve gotten really boring since you started packing on the pounds.”

I thought she would give me points for noticing, but instead she got all huffy like that time I bought her a used ThighMaster on Craigslist for Valentine’s. How can I make amends?

Vexed in Victoria

DEAR VEXED

Take her to a dance club.

Wait, no, Monty’s is closed….

DEAR DR. ROMANCE

When she complained that we don’t talk anymore, I explained that this is because the things she talks about aren’t very interesting. She became deathly quiet after that, apparently trying to think of better topics of conversation. In fact, she hasn’t spoken a word to me in six months. Can you help us out?

I.M. Toast, Oak Bay

DEAR I.M.

Certainly. Here are some topics for discussion:

A) Who would win a foot race, Christy Clark or Madonna?

B) The chances of Hot Tub Time Machine 2 being better than the original.

C) Why the Seahawks didn’t just give the ball to Marshawn Lynch.

D) Which of her friends you would most want to date if she died.

I tried those topics, but she just started crying. First she wants to talk, then she doesn’t. What gives?

Women. Go figure.

DEAR DR. ROMANCE

Where can a woman find a companion who is loving, doesn’t stray and just wants to cuddle at night?

Hope Lesley Dreaming Langford

DEAR HOPE

Try the SPCA.

DEAR DR. ROMANCE

I forgot Valentine’s. Is it too late to take her out for dinner?

Tardy in Port Hardy

DEAR TARDY

No. You can even supersize it.

How about a nice glass of wine?

Thanks. Pinot grigio, please.

DEAR DR. ROMANCE

Is it true that the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach?

Mystified in Metchosin

DEAR MYSTIFIED

Yes, though Mrs. Dr. Romance still prefers going straight in with a sturdy set of pruning shears.

Women must enjoy a romantic dinner, too, then. Can you suggest a menu?

Yes, start with shrimp ceviche in phyllo cups, followed by rack of lamb with mustard-shallot sauce, finishing with chestnut-chocolate mousse. It will take her a couple of hours to cook all this, so you might as well pop out for a beer while waiting.

DEAR DR. ROMANCE

She just stormed out of the house, said she’s leaving forever. Now I have this piercing pain in my heart. What should I do?

Devastated in Duncan

DEAR DEVASTATED

What you’re experiencing is called an “emotion.” You might have felt the same thing when the Canucks traded Luongo, or when that super-cute cart girl at the golf course quit. Don’t worry. Like gas, it will pass.

So, I should just leave the pruning shears embedded in my chest?

Walk it off, princess.

DEAR DR. ROMANCE

My husband gave me a used ThighMaster from Craigslist last Valentine’s, so I’m thinking of having a torrid extra-marital affair as revenge. To avoid detection, should I abide by the rule that says my husband and boyfriend must live at least two bridges apart?

Vindictive in Victoria

DEAR VINDICTIVE

No. The capital region has a five-municipality rule.

DEAR DR. ROMANCE

Amazon.ca has just labeled this “Canada’s Most Romantic City” for the third year in a row. How lucky are the women of Chicktoria to live here?

Sexy in Saanich

DEAR SEXY

Once again: Mrs. Dr. Romance wakes up with tears of joy every morning. Great, heaving sobs of joy.

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