Knox — If taxis can enforce a vomit tax, what about buses?

Jack Knox is a Kamloops high school graduate who now writes stuff for the Victoria Times Colonist. We gratefully publish his column here each Sunday.

COLUMN — “Passengers who soil or damage the inside of a vehicle with bodily fluids or solids may be required by a driver to pay a cleanup fee of $75 in addition to the meter rate or any other rate.”

— Standard Rules for Taxicab Rates, B.C. Passenger Transportation Board, July 16, 2014.

‘Keep your head out the window, like a dog,” she said.

“But I’m stone-cold sober,” I protested.

“Can’t take any chances,” she replied. “I’ve only got 20 bucks.”

Yes, a $75 vomit tax, as they’re calling it, is pretty steep.

Not sure that it’s enough if you’re the cabbie left with the mess, though. Besides the obvious ick factor, there’s the cost of taking your taxi off the road.

“If someone pukes in your car, your shift is done,” said Mohamed Ibrahim, a Victoria Yellow Cab driver, on Saturday. So no, $75 doesn’t cover the lost income (or lost appetite), particularly if it happens after midnight, which is prime time for both business and barfing. Ibrahim keeps a grocery bag handy, just in case a fare needs one in a hurry.

The practice of charging a cleanup fee to drunks who hurl in the back of a cab is nothing new. The new regulation merely codifies the amount they pay in B.C.

Other jurisdictions do the same. It’s $50 in Ottawa. Toronto City council passed a $25 fee in February (no word on how the Ford brothers voted). Last week, Calgary implemented a $100 charge, presumably pricier because Albertans’ fluids are bitumen-based.

Some cities tailor the bills to circumstance. Cabbies in Savannah, Georgia, which claims the second-largest St. Patrick’s Day gathering in the U.S., reportedly add $75 to $150 to the fares of those who can’t handle their green beer on March 17. Key West, Florida, was mulling a surcharge aimed at those who vomit while intoxicated, as opposed to flu-ridden upchuckers.

If you balk at the bill for barfing in a taxi, then you really don’t want to lose your lunch in a limo. A cruise through the websites of B.C. limousine companies reveals fees ranging from $50 to $500.

Which raises the question: If cabs and limos can charge, why not other vehicles?

For example, it is all too common for those who ride in the back of police cars to leave a little of themselves behind, but there’s no penalty for doing so.

“There is no charge or fine, only the look of disappointment in the officer’s eyes,” said VicPD’s Const. Mike Russell. Cleaning staff are left to deal with what is called a “sick car.”

At least that’s easier than a “sick bus,” the designation used by B.C. Transit. When somebody gets sick on a Victoria bus, the driver has to pull over and call for a new one.

Passengers have the option of disembarking and proceeding on foot, or holding their breath for the 15 to 45 minutes it takes for the replacement to arrive.

The “sick bus” is then either driven off the end of the Dallas Road breakwater or barged into the strait for naval gunnery practice. Well, no, it is taken back to the garage, where it is treated as a biohazard. Maintenance staff clad in special clothing employ special cleaning materials and a special vocabulary while attacking the mess, a process that can cost anywhere from $115 to $165, “depending on the volume of vomit and the extent of the coverage area,” said B.C. Transit’s Meribeth Burton, who deserves a bonus for almost keeping a straight face. When you factor in the other expenses, it costs Transit roughly $280 every time it swaps out a sick bus.

“We would be delighted if someone would pay us back,” Burton said. Alas, such is not the case.

For the record, the Victoria transit system’s all-time worst day was July 1, 2011, when participants in our Canada Day/Fête du régurgitation celebrations fouled 25 buses. (Kind of makes you proud to be Canajun, eh?) The most recent Canada Day was much tamer: just seven buses were sent gagging and lurching to sick bay.

Stay classy, Victoria. And if you can’t, make sure you have an extra $75.

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