Knox — Heed these words, grads, then do the opposite

Posted on June 15, 2014 in Columns // 0 Comments

COLUMN — Born-and-raised Jack Knox, who describes himself as an award-losing columnist, writes for the Victoria Times Colonist.

It’s commencement ceremony season, and the advice is raining down on the graduates’ heads. That’s why they wear mortarboards, to prevent bruising.

Same scene every year: hundreds of young people sardined into a hall while some grey-haired luminary on stage instructs them on what to do with their lives.

Sometimes the speaker turns what should be a joyous celebration of achievement and potential into an opportunity for a sternly worded lecture: Work hard. Don’t drift. Have a goal. Nobody owes you a future, you mollycoddled millennial. (These speakers, generally older, tend to view human beings as JPEGs, losing quality with each generation.)

Sometimes the advice is more wistful: It’s better to be kind than cool, to be generous than acquisitive, to be happy than wealthy, oh, God, why did I marry Ralph (occasionally wisdom gets confused with regret).

Sometimes the speakers are refreshingly funny. U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry, on stage at Yale University last week, took a shot at L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling: “You are graduating today as the most diverse class in Yale’s long history — or, as they call it in the NBA, Donald Sterling’s worst nightmare.” (Poor Sterling, he was forced to sell his basketball team for $2 billion, roughly $1.99 billion more than he paid for it in 1981. That’ll teach him to be racist.)

Likewise, actress Mindy Kaling cheerfully poked fun at Harvard law grads the other day: “Most of you will go on to the noblest pursuits, like helping a cable company acquire a telecom company. You will defend BP from birds. You will spend hours arguing that the well water was contaminated well before the fracking occurred.”

Sometimes the advice goes viral. Tim Minchin’s 2013 address to the University of Western Australia is closing in on two million views. “You don’t have to have a dream,” was one of his points. Focus too far ahead and you’ll miss the present. “I advocate passionate dedication to the pursuit of short-term goals. Be micro-ambitious. Put your head down and work with pride on whatever is in front of you.”

One of the most famous grad speeches wasn’t even a grad speech. Rather, the lyrics for the 1999 song Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen) came from a column by the Chicago Tribune’s Mary Schmich, who penned what she said was the commencement address she would give if ever asked to give one. (“Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts,” she wrote. “Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.”)

No one has ever asked me to write a grad speech. That would be like hiring Rob Ford as your life coach.

The only way I would give a speech is if they dragged me in front of the kids as a cautionary tale, like a mouth-foaming, barking-mad syphilitic in sex-ed class, and said, “Listen to Jack, then do the opposite.”

In that case, I would tell the grads this:

• It’s all about the money.

• Follow your heart. Or any other part of your anatomy that speaks to you insistently.

• Relax, you can drive another 50K with the gas tank warning light on.

• One cigarette can’t hurt. Same goes for meth.

• He’s good looking, so he must be a nice guy.

• She’s good looking, so she must want you bad.

• Quitting smoking will make you fat.

• Conserve your energy: avoid exercise. God might have given you two feet, but He also gave you four wheels.

• You probably won’t get pregnant.

• Forgiveness is for quitters.

• “Hold my beer and watch this.”