The worst driver’s licence photo ever

The man in the photo stares at the camera as if he’s just aspirated his dinner into his lungs. He looks old, perhaps beyond his years, every line and crevice clearly outlined, and a definite, unflattering indication of jowls.

A gradually receding hairline seems more pronounced than it should be. The fact the picture is black and white rather than colour probably doesn’t help.

At a guess, I’d say the guy is about 105 years old and having a very bad day. 

It is, however, me, on my new driver’s licence.

The licence itself is quite attractive, with a new design and new colours. It’s the picture that’s positively frightening. If I were to be stopped at a roadblock, and the cop judged my degree of inebriation based on the picture on my licence, he’d impound my vehicle then and there and send me smartly off to the drunk tank.

“No glasses,” the beefy and quite friendly fellow at Front Counter B.C. told me as I positioned myself on the correct spot, and he focused his camera.

I figured I’d put a good face on it, lifting my chin a little, opening my eyes wide so as not to look like some kind of a crook, making sure not to blink. I did not smile — I’m not sure if it’s a myth that you can’t smile for your driver’s licence, but I took no chances. I probably should have.

This is possibly the very worst in a long line of driver’s licence pictures. I’m pretty sure the guy who took it was required to undergo extensive training in how to take bad pictures. They probably have an annual convention and give out plaques for “Worst Overall Driver’s Licence Photo,” “Worst Driver’s Licence Photo Taken During Noon Hour,” and “Worst Photo Ever of a Newspaper Editor.”

Mine will no doubt be nominated in several categories.

And don’t get me started on passport photos, in which everyone looks like a terrorist. Speaking of photos, what’s up with people who have their pictures taken leaning to one side or another? Is that supposed to make them look like they’re moving, or in the process of falling down?