Real reason Liberals won in Kamloops

Like everyone else, I’ve been analyzing why things went the way they did Tuesday. What did the Liberals do right, what did the NDP do wrong?

Then, as I was looking at our front page the other morning, it came clear. There, on page one, was a picture of Kevin Krueger and Terry Lake doing huggies.

To look at them, they don’t have much in common. Krueger has been in politics for 14 years after a career with one of the most unpopular agencies on the planet, ICBC.

Lake spays and neuters for a living.

Krueger is a big teddy bear, Lake makes a big deal out of staying fit. Krueger has a voice like a truck, Lake is a sports car.

But, they are the same in one essential way — they both have facial hair. Very different facial hair, but it’s a commonality, nonetheless.

Krueger looks like he just got back in town after a two-week fishing trip with the buds. Put a bow-tie on Lake and he could sell vacuum cleaners door to door.

Now, look at the NDP. No facial hair. Tom Friedman, clean cut. Doug Brown, well, not much hair there at all.

Kamloops is supposedly a bellwether place when it comes to provincial elections, and it is, but there’s a reason for it. Look back at our past MLAs, at least those who survived for any period of time, and you’ll notice they all had beards.

For example, the just-retired and always dapper Claude Richmond, one of the longest-serving MLAs in B.C. history. Most of the time, he sports a full, nicely trimmed beard.

Then there was Art Charbonneau, arguably one of the best education ministers B.C. has ever had. And Rafe Mair, the former environment minister and now somewhat retired prognosticator.

Now look at our MLAs who got turfed. Cathy McGregor, for one. No facial hair. Phil Gaglardi, Bud Smith, Gerry Anderson — none of them had beards, none of them lasted. Well, Phil Gaglardi lasted 20 years, but people eventually got tired of the fact he never grew a beard.

Political scientists advise politicians to stay clean shaven. People don’t trust politicians with beards, they say. Tell that to Abraham Lincoln. The reason Barack Obama will never reach the status of Abraham Lincoln is that he admits he is incapable of growing a beard.

This is why Lake’s election team insisted he grow that dorky little goatee back before the campaign started. He’d shaved it off for awhile, and actually looked like a human being instead of a Klingon. His campaign advisors, all of whom happen to live around here, as opposed to Toronto, were wise to the fact that Kamloopsians have a thing about beards.

This is why it’s not a good idea to bring in people from Ontario to run your campaign. Salome Cerqueria is from Toronto, where hairless people walk around in suits and ties. How was she to know?

Thus, Friedman got clobbered and Brown — who could have won it with a nice beard — was edged out by a talking goatee.

By the time Cerqueria caught on, it was too late. She started refusing to let anyone see or talk to Brown, for fear they would notice he was beardless. Even on election night, she clung to faint hope, keeping him behind closed doors and out of sight.

Fourteen years ago, when a bearded Kevin Krueger defeated a clean-shaven Fred Jackson, the latter also hid in a room on election night, refusing to come out. Again, embarrassed at his beardlessness.

It’s notable that Brown polled very well in the rural areas of Kamloops-North Thompson, where they don’t like beards nearly so much. The attitude up there is summed by Barriere resident Bob George, who wrote awhile back that, “If I were king I wish Lake would shave off that goatee. Terrible looking things.”

Urban dweller Rod Andrew, on the other hand, wrote just a few days ago that, “At the beginning of this election campaign, Terry Lake appeared to be the ideal candidate for the Liberals: an ex-mayor, a soccer player, a dog-lover, and with a beard.”

Mind you, Andrew (who usually has a beard himself) later changed his mind but, at face value, so to speak, Lake was the man.

While beards are an essential political accoutrement in Kamloops, they don’t go over nearly as well in Victoria. Take a look at the cabinet — a pretty clean-shaven group.

While Premier Campbell can look scruffy as hell by the end of a long day on the campaign trail, I don’t recall him ever wearing a beard, so I assume he’s not a fan.

Remember, Krueger spent years on the backbenches, refusing to shave, before he finally cleaned up and Campbell gave him a cabinet job. Then he grew his beard back.

It’s fairly common knowledge that Lake and Campbell have had private discussions about possible cabinet portfolios. It may be that Campbell is advising him to lose the goatee.

If the premier has any smarts at all, though, and I’m fairly sure he does, he’ll recognize the fact that, to be elected in Kamloops, facial hair is a prerequisite, and he will leave well enough alone.

By the way, if Lake has any pretense of staying slim and trim, he can forget it. After a few years of official banquets, cake-cuttings and eating fast food on the run, he’ll pack it on.

Twenty years from now, our MLAs will be two chubby bald guys — with grey facial hair.