Here’s the secret to bottling wine

Last night after work, Syd and I bottled a new batch of wine — a cheeky little Chardonnay with a fruity bouquet, a pleasant je ne sais quoi, and just a hint of u-brew.

Seven weeks ago, I sprinkled some yeast in a big plastic vat full of juice and, presto, voila, we’ve now got 30 new bottles. Who knew making wine was so simple? Sometimes, it’s so easy to please the government.

There’s a knack to good wine bottling, though. One of my friends, who shall remain nameless for the purposes of this report, insists on putting labels and shrink wrap on his share of the wine whenever we go in together for a couple of batches.

I keep telling him, “Wine is for drinking, not looking at. Just who are you trying to impress with labels that clearly announce you just womped up a new batch at the u-brew?”

But he insists. “Mel,” he says, “You’ve gotta have labels.” In fact, he has the nerve to give u-brew to people for Christmas and birthdays. Seriously. This is not as bad, however, as another guy I know who sometimes leaves the labels from store-bought wine on the bottles, refills them with the swill he ferments in his basement, and passes it off as the real thing.

No, the trick to u-brew is to fill and cork and get on with life. Syd and I were finished in just over 20 minutes last night, including washing the bottles. Sure, they don’t have labels on them that say “Do It Yourself Select” or whatever, but the wine is going to taste just as good.